Saturday, January 22, 2005

Time Management for the Uber-Lazy

Think of some chore which really needs to be done (e.g. bill paying, changing the oil in your car, cleaning the mucus out of your bathroom sink). Meditate on how the accomplishment of this task will vastly improve the quality of your life, kill all manner of strange fungal growths, and possibly make you marginally more attractive to the opposite sex. Break the task down into short, managable steps, each of which can be accomplished in under five minutes. Make a list of the steps. Now, get to it! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! The only thing you have to fear is fear itself! Carpe diem! Start with step 1(a), "place bills in order of priority on kitchen counter"...

Well. Aren't you going to start?

OF COURSE NOT! YOU'RE LAZY! YOU'RE GOING TO SURF THE INTERNET AND HALFHEARTEDLY THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD LIKE BEER, AND WHAT A GREAT SHAME IT IS THAT BEER IS ALL THE WAY OVER IN THE SUPERMARKET, INSTEAD OF IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR! Geez.

The fundamental flaw of all time management stratagems is that they fail to take into account the inertial force of apathy (which we will designate as Ia). This is, I think, because the people who come up with time management techniques are not genuinely lazy.

The only way to overcome apathy, really, is to embrace it. Make it a way of life. Mmmkay. So, lazy people, listen up, this will change your life:

1. Think of some chore that really needs to be accomplished (e.g. organizing your cd collection, doing the dishes, making that unpleasant phone call to your parole officer).

2. NOW, think of some chore that you like doing EVEN LESS than the chore initially proposed.

3. Do the former chore AS A WAY OF PROCRASTINATING from the latter chore.


Now, don't try to tell me this won't work. I've seen y'all cleaning your room instead of working on a paper, or organizing your desk instead of making powerpoint slides for that proposal. Just apply this principle on a somewhat broader scale, and you'll be set for a life of fame and fortune.

Oh, and if my three step plan for A Better Life Without a Work Ethic benefits you in any way, shape, or form, please don't hesitate to send money.

2 Comments:

Blogger Byagi said...

That is soooo me! It almost makes me want to do something constructive, but then I realize I'd rather play around on the internet and drink beer.

12:34 PM  
Blogger Sean Schniederjan RKC said...

baby steps? BABY STEPS!

if you've been struggling with the big 'L' lately, then i would recommened 'abandonment to divine providence' by some french fellow. it hasn't helped me yet, but i think it will pretty soon.

2:50 PM  

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