Why I Like Teaching (by Wavelet the Loving Lemur)

I realize that, if you've been in touch with me for the past several months, you've heard mostly my horror stories about teaching kidsthesedays. This is because I'm a natural attention whore, and horror stories are a guaranteed crowd pleaser. Also, if I don't laugh about the foibles of the adolescent set, then I might start crying. For days. However, now that the end of the school year is rolling around (my brain has turned to jelly, my resistence has been ground), I feel that a more rounded picture of the teaching experience is in order. My presentation on Why I Like Teaching shall be composed of a series of aphorisms (much like Pascal's Pensees, only, of course, less brilliant).

aphorism #5509

The kids think that you know everything. This is a fun belief to exploit. Also, they will not pick up at all on more abstruse humor, but will take efforts at same as further proof of your brilliance.

aphorism #209

The sixth graders will write you beautiful poems, such as my very favorite "My Best Friend is a Coconut."

aphorism #9031

Adolescent boys have massive amounts of energy, and seemingly bottomless reservoirs of good humor. Learn math they would rather not, but if I ever needed a dragon slain or someone beaten up for me, I'm sure they would be happy to oblige.

aphorism #3208

Occasionally, you'll make even the dimmer bulbs flicker a bit.

aphorism #27

Almost all of the kids have some secret enthusiasm, which renders them vulnerable to learning. If you can show them how what you're learning right now pertains to Star Wars (or members of the opposite sex, or whatever) then you will obtain victory.

aphorism #4480

Pitting hyper, competitive proto-adolescents against each other in a spelling bee? Fun.

aphorism #783

Watching a bunch of normally reserved, sullen teenagers race to see who can construct the most efficient electric motor? Fun.

aphorism #60098

The students ask me about my youth, implying that it was ages, ages since I was young. This makes me feel all mature and stuff.

aphorism #5574

If for half a second you have their full attention, anything is possible. That half a second, though...difficult to obtain...

aphorism #229

You can call it a day at 3:15.

aphorism #87

Adolescent girls are interesting creatures. They tend to be light-years ahead of the boys in terms of personality development, but not so much with the emotional maturity. I find their social machinations fascinating to observe. Drama! Back stabbing! Tears! Mind boggling obsessions with Orlando Bloom! They're more entertaining than television, really...

aphorism #813

If they grasp factoring by grouping, I feel as if my mission on Earth has been accomplished, and I can rest in peace with my ancestors.

aphorism #745

Most of them are starved for the genuine and the true, little as they would like to admit it. If you can teach them something real, they will secretly admire you forever.

aphorism #11

Did I mention you can go home at 3:15?