Reasons to break up with Aristotle:

1. Believes that men and women can never truly be friends. Hence, sees nothing wrong with spending Friday nights watching television in silence together.

2. Is unduly sensitive about bald spot. Keeps claiming that baldness is a sign of virility.

3. Insists on paternal right to expose unsatisfactory infants (e.g. those born deformed, or female, or looking likely to turn into a natural slave).

4. Wants you to hand feed him peeled grapes while he contemplates examples along the lines of:

"Let us suppose a time ABC and a thing D, D being white in the time A and not-white in the time B. Then D is at the moment C white and not-white: for, if we were right in saying that it is white during the whole time A, it is true to call it white at any moment of A, and not-white in B, and C is in both A and B. We must not allow, therefore, that it is white in the whole of A, but must say that it is so in all of it except the last moment C. C belongs already to the later period, and if in the whole of A not-white was in process of becoming and white of perishing, at C the process is complete. And so C is the first moment of which it is true to call the thing white or not-white respectively."

5. Can be kinda smug.

Reasons to break up with Nietzche:

1. Has syphilis.