Sunday, January 30, 2005

Ulysses
by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel; I will drink
Life to the lees. All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea. I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known,-- cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honor'd of them all,--
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains; but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
to whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,--
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labor, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail;
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me,--
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads,-- you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil.
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks;
The long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends.
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Time Management for the Uber-Lazy

Think of some chore which really needs to be done (e.g. bill paying, changing the oil in your car, cleaning the mucus out of your bathroom sink). Meditate on how the accomplishment of this task will vastly improve the quality of your life, kill all manner of strange fungal growths, and possibly make you marginally more attractive to the opposite sex. Break the task down into short, managable steps, each of which can be accomplished in under five minutes. Make a list of the steps. Now, get to it! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! The only thing you have to fear is fear itself! Carpe diem! Start with step 1(a), "place bills in order of priority on kitchen counter"...

Well. Aren't you going to start?

OF COURSE NOT! YOU'RE LAZY! YOU'RE GOING TO SURF THE INTERNET AND HALFHEARTEDLY THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD LIKE BEER, AND WHAT A GREAT SHAME IT IS THAT BEER IS ALL THE WAY OVER IN THE SUPERMARKET, INSTEAD OF IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR! Geez.

The fundamental flaw of all time management stratagems is that they fail to take into account the inertial force of apathy (which we will designate as Ia). This is, I think, because the people who come up with time management techniques are not genuinely lazy.

The only way to overcome apathy, really, is to embrace it. Make it a way of life. Mmmkay. So, lazy people, listen up, this will change your life:

1. Think of some chore that really needs to be accomplished (e.g. organizing your cd collection, doing the dishes, making that unpleasant phone call to your parole officer).

2. NOW, think of some chore that you like doing EVEN LESS than the chore initially proposed.

3. Do the former chore AS A WAY OF PROCRASTINATING from the latter chore.


Now, don't try to tell me this won't work. I've seen y'all cleaning your room instead of working on a paper, or organizing your desk instead of making powerpoint slides for that proposal. Just apply this principle on a somewhat broader scale, and you'll be set for a life of fame and fortune.

Oh, and if my three step plan for A Better Life Without a Work Ethic benefits you in any way, shape, or form, please don't hesitate to send money.

love is a crying baby mama warned you not to shake

vignettes:

Sixth grade: High pitched screaming was emanating from the sixth grade classroom, clearly audible some distance down the corridor. I quickened my pace, and arrived to find most of the girls in the class congregated around a small area of carpeting, screaming, pointing, and pouring water on the offending patch of textile (the boys in the class had taken this opportunity to engage in their favorite activity, to wit, running around like maniacs and propelling themselves off of walls, desks, and each other). I tried, and failed, to get the students' attention; no go, they couldn't hear me over the din. Finally, I ended up bellowing "STOP...NOW!!! WHAT THE...HECK...IS GOING ON?!?!" The scandalous application of the word "heck" was enough to quell them. Meekly, one admitted that Anne had a tick on her, which they had now killed. I picked up the remains of a large, soggy, and eminently non-tick-like beetle, disposed of same, and had them do a few deep breathing exercises before we started spelling...

Seventh grade: The assignment was to create a limerick. Most of the kids were unclear on the concept. I give a few more examples, noting again that the first, second, and fifth lines have three beats, the third and fourth have two...finally, one boy has an epiphany. "Miss P! Is this a good start for a limerick?" "Let me hear it." "There was a young man from L.A. / And all his friends thought he was gay..." "That is, indeed, a good start. However, I can't see it leading anywhere appropriate, so let's just not finish that one, hmmm?"

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Hopefully, this fall will find me in the Czech Republic. As long as I'm sitting around and wondering what in hell to do with my life, I may as well do so in scenic Eastern Europe.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Now, my high school students want me to go paint-balling with them.

GEE, WHAT A GENEROUS OFFER ON THEIR PART! SURELY THEY HAVE NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES! NOWHERE ON THE PLANET IS SAFER THAN WITHIN A HUNDRED YARD RADIUS OF HORMONE ADDLED TEENAGED BOYS HOLDING HIGH POWERED, POTENTIALLY INJURIOUS PROJECTILE WEAPONS!

So, anyway. I'll probably end up whimpering in a patch of poison oak, completely covered in purple paint. But...they are forgetting my mutant healing factor...

Monday, January 10, 2005

heed the rabbit.

It's a...blog! A funny blog! Cause I know you all don't read enough of those. Go read it (note: naughty language, and use of the word "honky," either of which might be bad, depending on where you work).

Friday, January 07, 2005

Tonight, I could Conquer the Universe.

Though, that might look kind of silly, being as I'm wearing my grandmother's flannel pajamas (long story).

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Slide rule: the manly man's math manipulative.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I normally park my Cadillac in front of the high school (the kids are Caddy fans, as all right thinking humans should be). I returned today to find...lip prints...on the front windshield. Possibly given extra staying power by chapstick. Or maybe lips are just naturally greasy. Anyway, I suppose it's better than having students key my car. Still, eww.